Rallying from a faceplant

[AvgLawyer]

As the title suggests, I am posting to get something off my chest that I have been holding in for a few weeks now.  As a quick background, I am a junior lawyer and have been with my current firm for just under a year at this point.  It's a fairly niche practice area and I joined the firm with little to no substantive knowledge but willingness.  Some time ago, the firm had a formal mid-year review (this was my first formal review since joining the firm).  I was genuinely looking forward to receiving constructive feedback and maybe a light slap on the wrist for screwups/mistakes.  To my surprise, my review was extremely brutal.  While I appreciated that the partners were honest and frank about their reviews, it was very difficult to take everything in.  I did receive some constructive feedback (which I have since then been working on and implementing) but the general idea seemed to be that my work was falling way below expectation and that I had to do better in order to keep my job.  I have been feeling utterly defeated since.  My "imposter syndrome" was actually just real and my inadequacy as a lawyer had been affirmed.

Since then, it's been a constant back and forth between two states of mind.  One moment, I am grateful to be given a "last chance" to get my act together and become better.  As I have already mentioned, I have been implementing the feedback I got and doing all that I can to improve.  However, on the other hand, I fall into a spiral of anxiety that I may be shown the door at any given moment.  The answer is quite simple - if I improve my performance, then I should be fine.  But I just can't shake the "what ifs" from my head - what if my best isn't good enough? what if they don't see an improvement and give me the boot?  By no means do I want to quit, but if I really am close to losing my job, then isn't better to make the first move?  I'm trying to take this defeat gracefully and grow from it, but it's been really difficult.  I have not spoken to anyone about this but it helps to lay out my thoughts a bit.  

If anyone has been in a similar situation and can share how you were able to overcome it and come out on top, that'd be greatly appreciated. Thanks!

[hiccups]

You sound very surprised by the harsh criticisms that you received during your reviwe. Does this mean you didn't have any significan screw ups that you are aware of? If the expectations are unreasonable then the obvious answer is to switch firms. Do you have other juniors at your firm that can be used as a marker to gague your performance? 

[AvgLawyer]

43 minutes ago, hiccups said:

You sound very surprised by the harsh criticisms that you received during your reviwe. Does this mean you didn't have any significan screw ups that you are aware of? If the expectations are unreasonable then the obvious answer is to switch firms. Do you have other juniors at your firm that can be used as a marker to gague your performance? 

I do not want to deflect because this is a learning experience for me with important takeaways.  That being said, I only caught a bit of heat from a partner a week or two prior to the review and therefore was expecting that to be addressed during the review (hence why I was expecting a slap on the wrist).  But evidently, it was way more than that, and I felt very blindsided as a result.  And by way more, I think it was just the little things that piled on.

I would say one of my biggest mistakes was assuming that I was doing a good (or good enough) job because I did not receive much if any, unsolicited negative feedback.  I took the partners' silence to my work as "no news is good news" and carried on with what I was doing.  As it turns out, their expectation of me, besides the actual quality of the work, was to follow up with them and proactively request feedback.  In hindsight, this is something I should have been doing regularly regardless of whether I thought my work was fine. This would have shed light on all the little things I could have improved on.  I have been working on this since the review and I have received a lot of good constructive feedback that has been helpful in my learning. 

I would say their criticisms, while harsh, was fair and not unreasonable.  There are other juniors that I could speak to at the firm, but I have not because I don't feel that the expectations are unreasonable and hence do not feel the need to compare (not to mention that this has been an embarrassing/shameful experience for me haha).

[Hegdis]

I’m glad you have posted this because asking for support is a big part of doing this job. You need to be able to put this stuff out there and get feedback and sympathy and advice. 

I know that one instinct when under this much pressure is just to turtle and protect your soft parts. Don’t do this. Buckle down, spend more time at the office, get the work done and run it past your superiors. Prove to them that you heard them and are taking it in stride. 
 

As a point of encouragement: this is the steepest part of the learning curve. It does level out. Right now everything is new, but it won’t be like that forever. I used to prepare months ahead of a one day trial and throw up the morning of and have an insane amount of prepared work to get through - now I can prep in two hours and I already know the cases I need to hand the judge. Experience brings a level of ease and security and confidence and you WILL get there if you keep on keeping on. 

[Mal]

Anyone who is willing to shatter a new employees confidence is also likely to anchor their opinion. As a practical matter (1) look into counseling and (2) start looking at other opportunities.

 

 

[123]

3 hours ago, AvgLawyer said:

As it turns out, their expectation of me, besides the actual quality of the work, was to follow up with them and proactively request feedback.  In hindsight, this is something I should have been doing regularly regardless of whether I thought my work was fine. This would have shed light on all the little things I could have improved on.  I have been working on this since the review and I have received a lot of good constructive feedback that has been helpful in my learning. 

I think it is generally good to be proactive in asking for feedback. At the same time, sitting on their complaints about your performance, and then unloading them all at once is a dick move to pull on a first year associate. 

One of the best things I’ve done for myself as a junior lawyer is to surround myself with positive peers and mentors. Those are people who are generous with their time and feedback, because even though they’re busy, they actually give a fuck about me and supporting junior members of the bar. 

Maybe you haven’t been perfect. But based upon your description of the lawyers at your firm, they are not supportive mentors. That environment isn’t necessarily easy to find. But I’d start looking elsewhere, because it’s worth it once you find your people and that doesn’t sound likely where you are. 

[Blurg]

Building on the above, aside from juniors to compare/commiserate with, is there another more senior lawyer (I’m meaning more mid level associate) at the firm that you could see if they’d be willing to directly help you out? It would likely involve being upfront and telling them what happened, and I appreciate the potential discomfort that may come along with that. But I know over the years I’ve been willing to help more junior lawyers trouble shoot and review some of their work before they submit it to the lawyer, even when they’re not my files. I suppose I’m suggesting seeing if there’s someone else who could provide you with some direct mentorship, as it sounds like the partners haven’t been providing that to you. Even if you don’t end up staying at that firm, it would help your growth overall. You’re very early in your career; you have a lot to learn and it takes time and support. 

[TheAEGIS]

This is tough. OP, I'm sorry you went through this and it's good to see that your attitude overall is positive... or as positive as can be all things considered.

My $0.02.

It's not okay to blindside an employee with piles of criticism at a formal review. IMO it shouldn't have gotten to that point unless you were actively ignoring feedback or did something so egregious it absolutely had to be documented. This feels like poor people management to me. Someone who should have known better dropped the ball.

That aside, I get the fight or flight reflex. My instinct is usually to prove my doubters wrong, but the smart play is always to have a plan B - i.e. test the waters and get a sense of how much (expletive) you actually have to put up with at your current firm. It can be easier to start afresh elsewhere and avoid costly mistakes rather than rallying after the fact to rebuild your reputation. That said, rallying can be worth it if there are many reasons to stay put - and others have given really good suggestions for how to go about this.

But imo, you owe them as much courtesy as they showed you. 😒

Edited August 18, 2022 by TheAEGIS

[Aureliuse]

7 hours ago, AvgLawyer said:

if I really am close to losing my job, then isn't better to make the first move? 

In general, don't hasten to resign (except if the workplace is awfully toxic or it is asking you to engage in unethical practice). If my memory serves (and someone please correct me if I am wrong), if you quit, you don't qualify for E.I. If you were dismissed, you could apply for E.I. while looking for your next opportunity. This is in the event that your next gig doesn't exactly line up with your time of resignation. It's tough out there as a junior associate looking for your next job (again, it may be different for your field, I don't know).

I cannot offer any additional insight other than the above, and those great comments provided by the others.

On the one hand, I see that you are a person who takes criticisms to heart and want to build upon them to improve. This is good. On the other hand, I find it poor communication for the partners to unload like that without any "heads up" or any significant "mess up" on your part. Communication and mentorship is an art form. How it is delivered matters as much as the content. Also, you are being too harsh on yourself. 

Frankly, as a new associate; it is a steep learning curve you face. Even if you commit every waking second of your day to reading caselaw, observing senior counsel, taking CPD courses... There is still so so much you can't learn unless you do it on your own (litigation and client management experience in particular). This also means making mistakes along the way with many missteps and oversteps - clients will hate you for it, partners will rip you apart for it, and you might doubt your own competence over a long period of time.

Did I make mistakes as a junior (family) lawyer? ABSOLUTELY! I had plenty of facepalm/faceplant moments. Did I get the "get in my office now" treatment from partners? Yes!

But did we not all experience the sensation of drowning when we first started swimming? Did we not fall a couple of times when we started playing hockey/learning to skate?

My advice is to "grow thick skin." Learn from your mistakes, but don't let them become "core memories" of yourself as a lawyer. We rarely remember victories but we often remember our defeats. If you were to dig deep enough into the caselaw, go back ten to twenty years; you would find many great lawyers had made mistakes in their tender years as counsel.

I suggest finding a mentor outside your firm in your practice area. That way, you won't feel too stressed over criticisms but still will receive a lot of insightful advice and experience.

Edited August 18, 2022 by Aureliuse

[scooter]

9 hours ago, Aureliuse said:

In general, don't hasten to resign (except if the workplace is awfully toxic or it is asking you to engage in unethical practice). If my memory serves (and someone please correct me if I am wrong), if you quit, you don't qualify for E.I. If you were dismissed, you could apply for E.I. while looking for your next opportunity.

This is true. But it's easier to find a job while you still have one, than it is to find a job when you are unemployed. And depending on your financial situation, EI may not even cover your expenses.

[AvgLawyer]

Thank you everyone for your encouraging words and helpful suggestions - will definitely keep all of those in mind.  

Also, I wasn't clear on this point but I never thought of outright quitting.  My approach would have been to start looking for other opportunities first.  I'm just not sure how viable that will be because if I do pursue another opportunity, it will likely be in another practice area altogether (corporate commercial/capital markets), and as a junior lawyer coming from a niche practice area, I'm sure that's going to be a difficult transition.

 

Edited August 18, 2022 by AvgLawyer

[epeeist]

@AvgLawyer Others are much better able to comment on current law firm environments (I'm PT solo FT non-law) or whether or not or how you should follow up or what to do. I'm commenting on something else, obvious, but doesn't hurt to note it.

However valid the criticisms might be (working assumption they're valid), waiting almost a year to give such strong negative feedback is, from a HR or managerial perspective, idiotic. As a new hire there should have been something scheduled sooner; and if you were that bad, you should have been spoken to sooner even if nothing scheduled.

I just mention that as, by all means pay attention to criticisms and consider improvements, but maybe you'll feel a bit better to think about how the people criticizing you and the law firm as a whole obviously have huge flaws themselves in terms of management.

[TheBadLawyer]

On 8/17/2022 at 2:19 PM, AvgLawyer said:

As the title suggests, I am posting to get something off my chest that I have been holding in for a few weeks now.  As a quick background, I am a junior lawyer and have been with my current firm for just under a year at this point.  It's a fairly niche practice area and I joined the firm with little to no substantive knowledge but willingness.  Some time ago, the firm had a formal mid-year review (this was my first formal review since joining the firm).  I was genuinely looking forward to receiving constructive feedback and maybe a light slap on the wrist for screwups/mistakes.  To my surprise, my review was extremely brutal.  While I appreciated that the partners were honest and frank about their reviews, it was very difficult to take everything in.  I did receive some constructive feedback (which I have since then been working on and implementing) but the general idea seemed to be that my work was falling way below expectation and that I had to do better in order to keep my job.  I have been feeling utterly defeated since.  My "imposter syndrome" was actually just real and my inadequacy as a lawyer had been affirmed.

Since then, it's been a constant back and forth between two states of mind.  One moment, I am grateful to be given a "last chance" to get my act together and become better.  As I have already mentioned, I have been implementing the feedback I got and doing all that I can to improve.  However, on the other hand, I fall into a spiral of anxiety that I may be shown the door at any given moment.  The answer is quite simple - if I improve my performance, then I should be fine.  But I just can't shake the "what ifs" from my head - what if my best isn't good enough? what if they don't see an improvement and give me the boot?  By no means do I want to quit, but if I really am close to losing my job, then isn't better to make the first move?  I'm trying to take this defeat gracefully and grow from it, but it's been really difficult.  I have not spoken to anyone about this but it helps to lay out my thoughts a bit.  

If anyone has been in a similar situation and can share how you were able to overcome it and come out on top, that'd be greatly appreciated. Thanks!

I am not necessarily a great person to answer this since bosses tend to either love me or hate me (and a few have hated me) and I tend to quit when I hate my bosses, but I just wanted to say that it's deeply refreshing to see someone post something this raw and real on here. The "Fun times and faceplants" thread is largely just a circle jerk of pseudo-screwups where people either admit to something incredibly minor (and then spend the rest of the post praising themselves) or talk about how someone else boned them (and then spend the rest of the post praising themselves). This profession might not have such outrageous rates of substance abuse and mental health issues if we were better at REALLY talking to each other.

While I have no advice to give, your posts are reflective of an attitude geared toward openness to self-improvement and hard work, and that suggests that you will come out of this fine. Try not to let the anxiety spiral as you work toward that self-improvement - a little anxiety can be helpful fuel, but too much is paralyzing and distracting. Meditate, go for walks - do what you need to do to keep it manageable. ...I guess I did have at least a little advice after all.

Also, I agree with epeeist: your firm partners sound like dicks who have no concept of how to manage people. Which is hardly surprising: many lawyers have absolutely no goddamn idea what they're doing from a business management/human resources perspective.

Stay strong, and reach out to your supports.

[PzabbytheLawyer]

It may well be a good point to do two things.

Learn from it, and it sounds like you are.

Look around you to see if you find yourself in an abusive and or toxic environment.

Some signs are:

You're servicing too many partners, and aren't being given flexibility on deadlines that you know actually are flexible.

Partners internally have ego competitions and you're supposed to know to prioritize based on seniority, not legal urgency.

You're doing the work of an associate, student, and clerk.

The partners provide no feedback on your work as you hand it in.

When you do good work, you're not given positive feedback.

 

The list goes on. A lot of juniors think their firm is wonderful. A lot of firms are. 

Unfortunately, some firms also skimp on labour costs by hiring too few associates and support staff, and then take it out on their associates.

A well resourced firm would have a one to one, or at most two to one, partner to associate ratio. Usually one to two clerk/support staff ratio. This has been what I've been told, and what I've seen to be true.