Acceptance of non-monogamy

[non-monogamist]

Although most people in my personal life know that I’m bisexual, luckily I never felt the need to hide this part of who I am or worry about not being accepted, most people don’t know that I’m also non-monogamous. I have both a girlfriend and a boyfriend right now, and some of my close friends in law school have been really cool and accepting about it. I’m just worried that once I start working my future colleagues may not be as open minded. 

This is something that I obviously don’t mind keeping to myself, but sooner or later my coworkers will eventually find out (e.g. posts on social media). Would I be better off getting out in front of it and just letting people know early on? 

[bocuma]

I only just saw this but there are lots of networking opportunities out there for queer lawyers, some of whom might be able to offer you insight into this. See if you can get in touch with SOGIC (there should be a chapter/section through your province's bar association). I know it's not a queer thing per se, but SOGIC can often connect you with identity mentors or other folks can help you figure out how to navigate this sort of thing.

[TommyBratton]

Big Law firms have affinity groups and LGBTQ+-focused networking events. Law schools also have similar student organizations (Western for example has Western OUTLaws). I'm sure you can discuss with people there who have had similar concerns in the past that would be happy to chat and help. 

[SNAILS]

My opinion on the matter (and this is just an opinion) is that if you are worried about being accepted, then don't talk about your private, sexual life.

Nobody cares if you are married to a woman or if you sleep with 2 different doods/other people per week (or are in a three way relationship, whatever). One thing that does become awkward is where a person feels the need to make their sexuality part of their day-to-day existence at work.

[Scrivener]

1 hour ago, SNAILS said:

One thing that does become awkward is where a person feels the need to make their sexuality part of their day-to-day existence at work.

Agreed. 100%. 

Let the workplace be about work - there's no need to lead with your personal matters, regardless of what they are. As you get to know your co-workers, maybe more personal things will become known through side conversation, but by that time they'd know you for your personal style, work ethic, etc.. From my perspective, "getting out in front of it" would be i) pushing for people to consider this as a core part of who you are, and ii) indicate that you may have difficulty separating work and personal life such that there would be much of the aforementioned awkwardness to look forward to.

Also, isn't it fun to have a little mystery? Let them wonder...

[BlockedQuebecois]

“If LGBTQ+ people want to be accepted in the workplace, why don’t they just stay in the closet?” 

What a fucking boneheaded take. 

[Scrivener]

2 minutes ago, BlockedQuebecois said:

“If LGBTQ+ people want to be accepted in the workplace, why don’t they just stay in the closet?” 

What a fucking boneheaded take. 

Oh wow, yes, that would be! I hope that isn't how my response came across.

For clarification: I'm by no means saying to "stay in the closet". Own it as part of who you are, in whatever way makes you happy. I was only meaning to say - regardless of a person's sexuality/orientation - the workplace can become unpleasant when anyone puts their sexual hankerings before servicing the client... now doesn't "servicing the client" just feel a little different?

So the advice is more "go by the flow of the water cooler", if I were to respond to OP rather than SNAILS' quote. Water cooler; not closet.

[Disbarred]

6 minutes ago, Scrivener said:

Oh wow, yes, that would be! I hope that isn't how my response came across.

For clarification: I'm by no means saying to "stay in the closet". Own it as part of who you are, in whatever way makes you happy. I was only meaning to say - regardless of a person's sexuality/orientation - the workplace can become unpleasant when anyone puts their sexual hankerings before servicing the client... now doesn't "servicing the client" just feel a little different?

So the advice is more "go by the flow of the water cooler", if I were to respond to OP rather than SNAILS' quote. Water cooler; not closet.

Your comment did not read like that at all to me FWIW. 

[QueensDenning]

None of the comments in this thread crossed any sort of line as BQ seems to be insinuating IMO. 

Whether you are monogamous is none of anyone's business. At the same time, I think it would be weird for a co worker to be telling me about their multiple sexual relationships early into working with them. 

[GGrievous]

Yah but y'all are framing it like this person is going to be coming into the office talking about wild orgies. What if they just want to tell their co-workers about what they did on the weekend (e.g. went on a trip with my partners) like everyone else does. What if they want to bring their partners to a company event. Obviously it's going to be an issue and it's going to be uncomfortable and saying "just don't talk about your sex life" is no kind of answer.

Edited May 12, 2023 by Barry

[GGrievous]

1 hour ago, QueensDenning said:

None of the comments in this thread crossed any sort of line as BQ seems to be insinuating IMO. 

Whether you are monogamous is none of anyone's business. At the same time, I think it would be weird for a co worker to be telling me about their multiple sexual relationships early into working with them. 

[epeeist]

Agreeing with @QueensDenning I think the point was, it's not that one should feel afraid to share, but more that it's no-one else's business; choose to share information if you want, if you don't, don't, but that there are no normal workplace situations (maybe emergency contact info with HR? but that should be confidential) in which anyone would learn about one's relationships unless one chooses to tell them. And as a timing issue, if it's "Hi, my name is John, I'm in a polygamous/polyandrous relationship", the other person is going to wonder why you're sharing that info with them on first meeting them.

[Aside, I was also thinking just in terms of numbers, if e.g. a firm event with food and alcohol provided at which one was invited to bring one guest, it would seem unreasonable to expect to bring two guests while everyone else brought only one? Or would that be a family status issue? Though not sure how it is now especially post-Covid, from longer-ago experience at least at junior levels I don't recall there being many events (like, one a year tops?) at which those not at the firm (spouses/partners/etc.) were invited so that point may be academic.]

[Pantalaimon]

I think @Barry nailed it - the only way to realistically keep it from coming out sooner or later would be to either respond extremely evasively to routine smalltalk or only talk about one partner to the exclusion of the other. I wouldn't even want to start trying to keep track of what details about my partner I've shared with coworker X vs coworker Y to make sure that I don't tell a story about my partner being a teacher when I'd previously told them my partner was a banker, or whatever. Innocuous enough, but then they'd ask (sympathetically) if I'd had a breakup, and what happens then?

That said, it doesn't sound like OP is considering that. My advice to OP is pretty much the same as the rest of the posts here. I would be genuine about who I am but I don't think it's necessary to "get out in front of it". You can elaborate about your relationships if/when you sense that someone has become confused based on past information you've told them. I'm sure you have a good sense at this point from people's body language as to when that happens.

[bocuma]

1 hour ago, QueensDenning said:

None of the comments in this thread crossed any sort of line as BQ seems to be insinuating IMO. 

Whether you are monogamous is none of anyone's business. At the same time, I think it would be weird for a co worker to be telling me about their multiple sexual relationships early into working with them. 

I think you and SNAILS have really demonstrated exactly what OP is worried about - these are not "multiple sexual relationships", they are two people OP is in love with in the same sense people love their wives or husbands. It shouldn't be viewed any differently than talking about your wife or girlfriend, but if it's not a monogamous heterosexual relationship people jump straight to assuming the relationship is merely sexual.

[Scrivener]

1 hour ago, Barry said:

 What if they want to bring their partners to a company event. 

 

53 minutes ago, epeeist said:

e.g. a firm event with food and alcohol provided at which one was invited to bring one guest, it would seem unreasonable to expect to bring two guests while everyone else brought only one? Or would that be a family status issue?

^Great points! With so few in-person events these past few years, I honestly hadn't thought of that. 😅 Checking to see if you can bring a second guest sounds like a very convenient way of bringing it up, actually. Very matter-of-fact. I like it.

 

10 minutes ago, bocuma said:

I think you and SNAILS have really demonstrated exactly what OP is worried about - these are not "multiple sexual relationships", they are two people OP is in love with in the same sense people love their wives or husbands. It shouldn't be viewed any differently than talking about your wife or girlfriend, but if it's not a monogamous heterosexual relationship people jump straight to assuming the relationship is merely sexual.

Lots of people may very well leap to that, but hopefully OP has a handle on navigating this aspect generally as it isn't workplace-specific... but then again, OP mentioned most people don't know he/she is non-monogamous, so this is more of a Life question than just a workplace culture question. Demeanor when speaking about his/her partners could go a long way, coming from the side of the person being told about someone else's polyamorous relationship. There's such a difference between gushing over the love and fondness between individuals, and flaunting the polyamory.

 

Relationship and home-life chat is bound to come up anywhere. Hoping that you won't feel the need to hide who you are, OP!

[GGrievous]

4 minutes ago, Scrivener said:

Checking to see if you can bring a second guest sounds like a very convenient way of bringing it up, actually

Is it convenient? What happens when the old conservative partner/client doesn’t like it? 

[Scrivener]

1 minute ago, Barry said:

Is it convenient? What happens when the old conservative partner/client doesn’t like it? 

Yes, convenient in terms of the opportunity/method of raising the point. How other people feel about it? Different matter. 

If I were going to bring up something sensitive about myself, I'd prefer to do it in a way in which I wouldn't feel like I'm seeking attention, or bringing up my matters out of the blue. If I were in OP's shoes, I'd see this as a classy way to test the waters, and however unfortunate, I'd need to be prepared to be met with distaste here just as I would in my day-to-day life. But yes, if I decided that I wanted to bring both of my partners to a work event, asking about a second guest does sound convenient to me when I compare it to simply showing up with +2. I mean, I wouldn't just bring an extra guest to a wedding without raising it first, and here I'd be bringing up my relationships to be considerate and polite, not just to talk about myself.

In reality, the answer of what to do may depend on the actual workplace, and how those specific people make OP feel. Perhaps the firm will have an affinity group as @TommyBratton suggested.

[hiccups]

Even heterosexual monogamous people are pretty sensitive about sharing relationship status at work. At a bigger office, if you just keep quiet about it, I don't think you would come off as weird, or even think to ask you.  It's different if you want to share that with a co-worker who you have a closer relationship after a while, but usually that's like an organic development.

[Yogurt Baron]

5 hours ago, hiccups said:

Even heterosexual monogamous people are pretty sensitive about sharing relationship status at work.

Is that...is that something? I've noticed that some of the lawyers I work for are less open about their personal lives than people in other industries, because they're more focused on the job at hand---but by "some", I'm talking "only 90% of my straight married lawyers talk about their families as opposed to 95% in other workplaces". Probably five lawyers today said to me, "Oh, this weekend my husband and I are doing ____".

I'm with Blocked here---there's some big heteronormativity going on upthread, even if well-intentioned. It's the oldest story in the book---"If Bob tells you he went antiquing with his wife, that's just a normal guy making normal conversation, but if Bob tells you he went antiquing with his husband, he's FLAGRANTLY SUBJECTING YOU TO PRIVATE SEXUAL SEX INFORMATION ABOUT ALL THE SEXY GAY SEX HE HAS, AND CAN'T WE JUST KEEP OUR PRIVATE LIVES PRIVATE INSTEAD OF FLAUNTING OUR DEVIANCY." Someone who's not straight should be able to talk about their personal lives to the same degree that a straight person can. I wish you luck, OP.

[123]

1 hour ago, Yogurt Baron said:

Bob tells you he went antiquing with his husband, he's FLAGRANTLY SUBJECTING YOU TO PRIVATE SEXUAL SEX INFORMATION ABOUT ALL THE SEXY GAY SEX HE HAS

I really must find out where Bob does his antiquing. 

[SNAILS]

Ask yourself:

1. Are you trying to have a smooth and harmonious working relationship with people who may hold conservative views on sexuality?
2. Or are you trying to confront people at your workplace about their conservative views on sexuality in order to emphasize what you deem to be the superiority of more progressive views?

I could draw this analogy. A new employee loves to hunt and fish. On Monday, someone at work who he knows is a vegetarian for ethical reasons asks him, "What did you get up to this weekend?" Does he say "Hiking around the woods and trying to get some exercise," or does he say, "Looking for the best spot to lie in wait for a large buck during hunting season." 

I suggest he not hang pictures of hunting trophies at his workstation, that he not bring venison to the annual company BBQ, etc. He does not have to lie if someone diretly asks him if he hunts.

[BlockedQuebecois]

I hope everyone who threw their lot in with SNAILS feels as stupid as they should for agreeing with a guy who thinks sexual orientation is akin to a hobby 🙂 

[GGrievous]

I’m kind of just surprised he stood up for the vegetarian. 

[Scrivener]

18 hours ago, Yogurt Baron said:

Someone who's not straight should be able to talk about their personal lives to the same degree that a straight person can.

They absolutely should, and do, and that's normal now (from my experience so far; experiences may vary), thank goodness.

Lash out at me for being 'heteronormative' if you will, but I do think it'd be ignorant to assume polyamory would be treated the same way, and to just tell OP "yeah, obviously that's fine and normal -- there's nothing to even talk about here and people are blockheads if they think otherwise" is unhelpful. Monogamy is still deeply set in Canada, both in most people's minds and in legislation. 

I sincerely wish it could be "no matter", but if you're trying to be realistic about the general population and not blinded by the idealism (which outside of OP's question/concerns, should be kept at the forefront; do react to heteronormativity in the way we see above!): do you really believe there is no significant reaction that might be anticipated from raising polyamory?

@BlockedQuebecois's strong, harsh reaction is encouraging but not to be assumed in our society just yet. 

 

P.S. Sorry OP for getting lost in the tangent of "discussions about sexuality in the workplace" rather than your actual question of "should I make my bisexuality/non-monogamy known".

[GGrievous]

1 hour ago, Scrivener said:

"yeah, obviously that's fine and normal -- there's nothing to even talk about here and people are blockheads if they think otherwise"

I don't believe anyone said this. We are all aware that conservative assholes are going to make peoples lives shitty.