In need of support/advice. I am drowning rn.

[gilgamesh]

Hi all, I hope everyone has had a good New Year.

This is both an anonymous vent & and an ask for some support/advice/insight/reassurance.

I am a current 2L in law school. In January of my 1L year, I lost two very close people in my life back-to-back in very unexpected ways. They were a big part of my support system. I was subsequently diagnosed with ADHD & anxiety that had likely been festering/undiagnosed for years, but only became burdensome after these losses. Despite this, I finished the year and landed a good summer gig. I loved the people (and I think they really liked me) but I recently told them I'd be taking summer work at another firm, for truly no other reason than to get exposure to different practice areas before committing to anything. 

I believe, however, that I may have flunked my last term. I participated in every recruit under the sun and gave it every fibre of my being. I am grateful to have landed a spot in a really fantastic/competitive firm, despite mediocre grades, but it appears to have come at a significant detriment to my term. I believe I failed a few courses from last term (although grades aren't out yet), and just don't see how I'll be able to climb out of that to deal with my other courses for this upcoming term (assuming I'm not just suspended/forced to repeat the year for failing those courses).

I cannot get motivated to do work right now. I lay in bed awake at night, terrified of how much work I have to do in the full-year courses I am behind on. I then spend my day doing anything under the sun to avoid completing work because it fosters so much anxiety knowing how much I have to do. My head isn't in the game and I think it's because I am not taking care of myself. I'm stuck in a cycle of self-soothing without doing anything else. I have papers and assignments overdue; I have papers and assignments and exams coming up soon. I am stuck between a rock and a hard place with school right now.

I have also missed my family every day since the passing of those close to me and am constantly worried that the next text/phone call is going to be the news that someone else is gone without warning. It's a strange sense of anxiety that doesn't seem to leave and only leaches from me. I rarely get to see them as they live quite far away. They are my only form of a support system, even if I don't commiserate with them or share my problems with them. I also feel not present to them when I do get precious time to visit them (such as this past Christmas or when talking on the phone). I feel as though every year, my network gets smaller and smaller. Going through these issues in a new city, with new people for which my reputation matters, has left me really isolated at school. I have no friends from 1L. Only roommates. 

I believe that, provided I'm not required to write supplementals or otherwise fail the year, I can pull myself up for a new term and then get through to the summer job with barely passing grades. I love going to class and deliberating the law. I am truly just struggling with the work that's associated with doing it right now, and my psychological relationship to the work. I also want to avoid having to tell my future employer that I'm withdrawing for the term / being forced out for the year because of the last term and how I am feeling right now - that would almost certainly mean revocation of my offer and derail the future. There's also no way my former firm would take my back if the worst came true. 

I think that ultimately, I am going to need time away from school to figure out these health issues and get my headspace sorted out. I need to take the time necessary to manage the grief and fear that has come with getting older, and realizing that those in my life are only getting older and won't be here forever. I need to sort out these issues of feeling isolated, and I don't think that the cliquey and reputational parts of law school are very conducive to navigating those waters. I need to learn how to also manage these new diagnoses and get them under control. I don't see these issues getting any easier as I go from school into full-time practice, and this is assuming I'm not kicked out of school for having flunked this term. It's just a matter of finding the "when" to pull that plug. I was hoping to survive to the end of 3L and then take the second half of that year + the months before articling to figure this stuff out, but maybe I'm just trying to negotiate with myself in a losing game. 

Does anyone have a play on this? Should I just continue with things as "business as usual" and hope I pass those classes from last term? Should I ask for some sort of medical leave now to figure this stuff out, or try and tough it out to just finish the year? Should I try part-time studies while I get this stuff sorted out? I feel lost, hopeless, and really have no clue what to do to not just get back to 'normal' but to be 'better and improved' for the future. I miss feeling excited, engaged, and on top of my shit. 

Again, any insight, advice, support, reassurance, or anything else would be appreciated. 

Thanks. 

 

 

 

[MissRepresented]

First, this sounds really hard and I’m so sorry for how much you’re struggling. I don’t have any advice specific to your situation and I don’t know what province you’re in, but most law societies have free and confidential counselling services that extend to law students as well. I would encourage you to look into this and to speak with someone who has experience with the unique kind of stress you’re under. You shouldn’t have to do this alone.

For now, take it a day at a time, and be gentle with yourself. You’re dealing with a lot and that’s not easy.

[gilgamesh]

7 minutes ago, MissRepresented said:

First, this sounds really hard and I’m so sorry for how much you’re struggling. I don’t have any advice specific to your situation and I don’t know what province you’re in, but most law societies have free and confidential counselling services that extend to law students as well. I would encourage you to look into this and to speak with someone who has experience with the unique kind of stress you’re under. You shouldn’t have to do this alone.

For now, take it a day at a time, and be gentle with yourself. You’re dealing with a lot and that’s not easy.

Thank you for being the first to reply. I appreciate that, and appreciate the kind words you've given to a stranger. 

I have made an appointment to access my school counselling services, as I can't find any info on my provincial law society site (and I don't want to provide too much on here that would out myself somehow). I've also made an appointment with my school's accessibility services to see if they can help me triage things. 

I am also going to make an appointment with the Dean's office to let them know this is going on (although I'm sure they are aware at this point with my grades) and ask for help on what they think might be reasonable from their perspective. 

[GoatDuck]

I am really sorry to hear about what you've been dealing with. I can relate to some of it. When I was 23-24, a few people in my circles died and I struggled with paranoia about death for the next several years. "What are the odds I'm next?" was a recurring question, and I saw any mild ache or tingling as a sign that my time has come. It didn't affect my performance too much but I still remember spiraling for days and feeling like I'm living in anticipation of the next bad thing. I'm sure it was compounded by my skewed sense of being exceptional -- after academic and personal successes, however small they are objectively, I think I got into the mindset of, "I was in the top 5% in [insert field/area of accomplishment], so maybe I'm also in the 5% of people who die from this disease before they turn 30?" I learned to manage it and mostly overcome it, and I have a lot of sympathy for you. Feel free to pm me if you want to chat. 

[piranesi]

I'm so sorry to hear about this situation -- this sounds incredibly difficult. Law school is an exceptionally challenging and isolating experience at the best of times, and I can only imagine how much tougher it would be to handle everything on top of losing people who are close to you and dealing with mental health issues. 

Your words about feeling scared about work piling up/feeling unmotivated to do work right now really spoke to me. You may have already tried this, but I was wondering if you might consider just taking some time -- even just a single day -- to NOT do work and NOT beat yourself up about it? A period of time where your only job is to rest and take care of yourself, whatever that looks like for you? You might think "but I have been taking a big break from work already," but -- based on my own experience -- I can never really feel like I took a break if I am criticizing myself the whole time for not getting enough done. It sounds like you have been pushing yourself incredibly hard and like there is nothing left in the tank. As counterintuitive as it might feel to take time to rest right now, it might help you return to school with more motivation. Of course, this is just a thought from a stranger, so please disregard it if it feels like it doesn't work for you.

Your post doesn't mention this so I don't know if it's relevant to you, but are there any other commitments you can drop? Extracurriculars that aren't inherently enjoyable or other things in your life that are only bringing stress? If there was ever a time to look at your calendar and get rid of anything that isn't serving you, it might be now.

I think your plan of meeting with the Dean's office, accessibility, counselling etc is a really good one. I have heard from profs that it is best to seek help *before* grades come out. Don't let the Dean pressure you into anything, but I think it will be good to at least explore your options so that you can see what is available. Hopefully they will respond with empathy and support. Along similar lines, does your school have a good careers office? I am positive that you are not the first person to have grades dip after a difficult semester. The careers office might have some advice on how to navigate the situation with your summer job.

Have you thought about sharing your feelings with your family? I know how awkward it can be to ask for help or admit that you are struggling especially if you are used to being on top of shit. But, asking for help can also bring people closer to you. Even if you aren't interested in sharing your issues with your family, are there other ways you could try to spend more time with them while living away? Would they be interested in a weekly phone call, even if it feels awkward at first? Again, I don't know your relationship with your family, so definitely ignore this if it doesn't sound relevant.

I haven't been in your situation (although I definitely relate to certain aspects of it) so please disregard anything that doesn't seem relevant to you. I do want to reiterate the previous poster's advice on being gentle with yourself. I would also add that law school is extremely frustrating because you are compared (in terms of grades and the recruit) to other students who are in completely different situations. It's very unlikely that the other students have experienced the challenges you've experienced this semester. More than that, they may have access to things that you don't have -- not only support systems, but also access to ordering food, getting their homes professionally cleaned, tutoring, connections, mentors, etc. This is not to knock anyone who is using those resources, or to say that using those resources will inevitably lead to success, but just to say that there is something very wrong with a system that pretends like there is a level playing field when in fact there is no level playing field.

I think it is incredibly impressive that you managed to succeed in the recruit while also balancing school (even if the results are less than what you hoped for) *and* dealing with grief and mental health difficulties. I hope that you can take pride in that and celebrate that, even while knowing that the situation may change down the line. I do think that next semester will be easier, just because you won't have to worry about job hunting. 

If nothing else from the post sticks, I just wanted to try and beam some feelings of support/empathy/reassurance through the forum at you. I'm really sorry about all of this bullshit and I hope that things only improve from here.

[luckycharm]

On 1/3/2024 at 10:58 PM, gilgamesh said:

Hi all, I hope everyone has had a good New Year.

This is both an anonymous vent & and an ask for some support/advice/insight/reassurance.

I am a current 2L in law school. In January of my 1L year, I lost two very close people in my life back-to-back in very unexpected ways. They were a big part of my support system. I was subsequently diagnosed with ADHD & anxiety that had likely been festering/undiagnosed for years, but only became burdensome after these losses. Despite this, I finished the year and landed a good summer gig. I loved the people (and I think they really liked me) but I recently told them I'd be taking summer work at another firm, for truly no other reason than to get exposure to different practice areas before committing to anything. 

I believe, however, that I may have flunked my last term. I participated in every recruit under the sun and gave it every fibre of my being. I am grateful to have landed a spot in a really fantastic/competitive firm, despite mediocre grades, but it appears to have come at a significant detriment to my term. I believe I failed a few courses from last term (although grades aren't out yet), and just don't see how I'll be able to climb out of that to deal with my other courses for this upcoming term (assuming I'm not just suspended/forced to repeat the year for failing those courses).

I cannot get motivated to do work right now. I lay in bed awake at night, terrified of how much work I have to do in the full-year courses I am behind on. I then spend my day doing anything under the sun to avoid completing work because it fosters so much anxiety knowing how much I have to do. My head isn't in the game and I think it's because I am not taking care of myself. I'm stuck in a cycle of self-soothing without doing anything else. I have papers and assignments overdue; I have papers and assignments and exams coming up soon. I am stuck between a rock and a hard place with school right now.

I have also missed my family every day since the passing of those close to me and am constantly worried that the next text/phone call is going to be the news that someone else is gone without warning. It's a strange sense of anxiety that doesn't seem to leave and only leaches from me. I rarely get to see them as they live quite far away. They are my only form of a support system, even if I don't commiserate with them or share my problems with them. I also feel not present to them when I do get precious time to visit them (such as this past Christmas or when talking on the phone). I feel as though every year, my network gets smaller and smaller. Going through these issues in a new city, with new people for which my reputation matters, has left me really isolated at school. I have no friends from 1L. Only roommates. 

I believe that, provided I'm not required to write supplementals or otherwise fail the year, I can pull myself up for a new term and then get through to the summer job with barely passing grades. I love going to class and deliberating the law. I am truly just struggling with the work that's associated with doing it right now, and my psychological relationship to the work. I also want to avoid having to tell my future employer that I'm withdrawing for the term / being forced out for the year because of the last term and how I am feeling right now - that would almost certainly mean revocation of my offer and derail the future. There's also no way my former firm would take my back if the worst came true. 

I think that ultimately, I am going to need time away from school to figure out these health issues and get my headspace sorted out. I need to take the time necessary to manage the grief and fear that has come with getting older, and realizing that those in my life are only getting older and won't be here forever. I need to sort out these issues of feeling isolated, and I don't think that the cliquey and reputational parts of law school are very conducive to navigating those waters. I need to learn how to also manage these new diagnoses and get them under control. I don't see these issues getting any easier as I go from school into full-time practice, and this is assuming I'm not kicked out of school for having flunked this term. It's just a matter of finding the "when" to pull that plug. I was hoping to survive to the end of 3L and then take the second half of that year + the months before articling to figure this stuff out, but maybe I'm just trying to negotiate with myself in a losing game. 

Does anyone have a play on this? Should I just continue with things as "business as usual" and hope I pass those classes from last term? Should I ask for some sort of medical leave now to figure this stuff out, or try and tough it out to just finish the year? Should I try part-time studies while I get this stuff sorted out? I feel lost, hopeless, and really have no clue what to do to not just get back to 'normal' but to be 'better and improved' for the future. I miss feeling excited, engaged, and on top of my shit. 

Again, any insight, advice, support, reassurance, or anything else would be appreciated. 

Thanks. 

 

 

 

"although grades aren't out yet"

I think you should wait till the grades are out before you do anything.

I had exams that I thought I flunk but turned out to be OK.

[GreyDude]

On 1/3/2024 at 10:58 PM, gilgamesh said:

In January of my 1L year, I lost two very close people in my life back-to-back in very unexpected ways. They were a big part of my support system. I was subsequently diagnosed with ADHD & anxiety that had likely been festering/undiagnosed for years, but only became burdensome after these losses. Despite this, I finished the year and landed a good summer gig. I loved the people (and I think they really liked me) but I recently told them I'd be taking summer work at another firm, for truly no other reason than to get exposure to different practice areas before committing to anything. 

I believe, however, that I may have flunked my last term. I participated in every recruit under the sun and gave it every fibre of my being. I am grateful to have landed a spot in a really fantastic/competitive firm, despite mediocre grades, but it appears to have come at a significant detriment to my term. I believe I failed a few courses from last term (although grades aren't out yet), and just don't see how I'll be able to climb out of that to deal with my other courses for this upcoming term (assuming I'm not just suspended/forced to repeat the year for failing those courses).

Just my two cents, which I’m going to start with something that might read like a bromide but I think it matters here. We periodically need to be reminded that we get to feel what we feel. It’s ok to be in distress, what you’re feeling is legitimate, and your response to it (reaching out for help & co in a realistic way without making excuses, even on a pseudonymous forum) shows strength, courage and wisdom. As starting point, I would also echo @luckycharmin encouraging you not to assume too much about exam results you haven’t seen. Focus on what you know. 

This reply is all about the difference between what happens and how you respond to it, and between what you can control and what you can’t. Hopefully it won’t be too sophomoric. 

As a former prof who decided to reinvent himself by going to law school after almost 30 years of teaching (I’m a current 1L), I can tell you that while grades matter in all sorts of ways they really are not the best way to judge a student or their potential. I have had genius-level students with C averages in my classes, sometimes because they couldn’t be bothered with my material (one student who could do calculus in his head only passed my class because I had discretion over how to report his borderline grades), and sometimes because of the circumstances of their lives (I can’t count the good students who have had trouble in class because of the kinds of thing you’re going through). But I think it’s important to point out here that I have also had average students with average grades whom I have then seen go on to careers characterized by excellence. So sure, grades can predict success, but not necessarily. People are too complex to reduce to a score out of 4. Anyway, from what I read in your post, the best predictor of your future success won’t be your grades. That position you landed “despite mediocre grades” is evidence that your grades are not the final word on you. What will make the difference will be your response to the things you can’t control, such as the many losses you have suffered and the medical issues you are facing. 

Among other things, you can’t control the fact that you have ADHD (I do too, btw), but you can decide how you respond to that, as well. Seeking help is the right thing to do. I strongly recommend finding someone who can offer you a course of cognitive behavioural therapy, which afaik is the gold standard  in treatment for ADHD, anxiety, and some other things like OCD. Also, if you haven’t sought accommodations for your ADHD in exams and such, do it. Your grades might or might not improve as a result, but your stress and anxiety levels will go down due to the stress of mid-terms and finals.

On 1/3/2024 at 10:58 PM, gilgamesh said:

I think that ultimately, I am going to need time away from school to figure out these health issues and get my headspace sorted out. I need to take the time necessary to manage the grief and fear that has come with getting older, and realizing that those in my life are only getting older and won't be here forever. I need to sort out these issues of feeling isolated, and I don't think that the cliquey and reputational parts of law school are very conducive to navigating those waters. I need to learn how to also manage these new diagnoses and get them under control. I don't see these issues getting any easier as I go from school into full-time practice, and this is assuming I'm not kicked out of school for having flunked this term. It's just a matter of finding the "when" to pull that plug. I was hoping to survive to the end of 3L and then take the second half of that year + the months before articling to figure this stuff out, but maybe I'm just trying to negotiate with myself in a losing game. 

These are important questions. The good news is that you can make some of these decisions over the next few months (you don’t have to do it today). But let me encourage you to give yourself permission to do whatever is good for you. Don’t let others’ expectations define your response, and don’t impose expectations on yourself that keep you from being well. Give yourself permission! You can take a semester off; you can take a year off. Heck, you can even quit completely if that’s the best thing for you. A long time ago, I had a job with more responsibility and authority than I was used to, doing a kind of work that was new to me. I had take the position on the condition that my immediate supervisor would train me, but instead she only bullied me whenever I made a mistake or didn’t know how to do something. I had never experienced workplace harassment before and didn’t know how to deal with it. My anxiety was through the roof for months, until I finally gave myself permission to just quit, which in turn gave me the power to confront my boss and force some changes. When my boss returned to the old behaviour I finally did resign, which was also very liberating, and I have never regretted it. In my exit interviews I received nothing but praise for my work from the people at head office, and I was offered other jobs in the organization. The point is, no matter what else, you must give yourself permission to do what is good for you, up to and including a total change of direction. But just to be clear: I am not telling you to quit. I am simply saying that all the options need to be on the table. You will have to deal with yourself for longer than you will have to deal with law school.

I hope the rest of this year will be good for you. I think it can be.

 

 

Edited January 5, 2024 by GreyDude
I should never re-read my posts. 🤨

[gilgamesh]

Hi all.

I am following up on this post after I have sorted out things on my end relating to school. 

First of all, thank you all who replied with words of comfort, reassurance, and perspective. I read them all as soon as they came in. I have held them close in my mind while figuring things out. You helped me get some restful nights when I was spiralling in a doomsday "what if" scenario. 

The sky has not fallen. All is good (relatively). I failed a class but was able to rewrite an assignment to obtain credit, a C passing grade, and move on for this past term. The rest of the courses went much better than expected. B's all around otherwise, including having gotten the best grade on an essay to pull a D course up to a B. The curve appears to have been generous this term. I have also managed to crawl out and have written papers & exams that I had not expected to be able to write. I don't know the grades yet on them, but I feel much better about things now. 

Regardless of the short-term, and to emphasize the long-term. I now have medication to try and a therapist I am accessing regularly. I'm actively working on my issues with medical professionals, who are responsive to my needs and not just pill pushers, and the accessibility office at my school is being helpful with reflecting those needs for my academic, without coddling me or giving me any freebies. This is all very new, but I'm feeling much better about things now. I hope to keep this momentum going throughout the term. While things aren't night and day better, there's a huge sense of relief with how I feel having taken some real steps to work on myself. I am feeling motivated and that's big for feeling supported. 

I'll likely no longer post to this account and start a new one to be more involved in the Canlawforum community with some added anonymity. But thank you all for having read, expressed care, and specifically those who took the time to reply. I can't thank you all enough. I wanted to reply to this thread for any students who are finding themselves in a similar hole in their future. Take a breath. Be accountable to the school. Be as proactive as you can be about managing issues. You can't change the past, but you can change what you do in the future. Law school is tough - it's no less tough for me now - but there are ways to manage the issues you're experiencing and to find a pathway that lets law school work for you, whether that be long-term or short-term school support. You just need to pull the trigger and talk to someone. Open up the dialogue. Sooner is better, I think some of my present circumstance comes down to luck and that is something we could all avoid by reaching out for help sooner rather than later. 

 

Thanks all, take care.